I love my life, but sometimes it really can be a bitch. I have been in college for five years now and that’s three too many in my mind. I have enjoyed my classes and all of the opportunities that have been provided but when the fuck does REAL life get to start?
I live with two teachers and across the hall is another friend who is not in school. This pretty much means that I am surrounded by people who get to do what they want with their free time. I watch them as they play Rock Band, hang out at bars and just plain socialize. While I am tremendously happy for them I am also extremely jealous. There have been so many times that I have had to resist the temptation to join them due to whatever school related reason (paper, midterm, final, field trips) and now after three years, I am so tired of resisting. I have finally had my fill of being the “responsible student.” And while I am in my final quarter of my undergrad, which is generally the time when people are okay with their seniors cutting loose, my graduation is DEPENDING upon my responsibility to work my ass off on my thesis. I knew that this quarter would be hard, but I didn’t realize until now WHY it would be hard.
I’m so sick of the stress. I’m so sick of saying no. I’m so sick of being told how to spend my free time. I’m so sick of fucking field trips…specifically ESS field trips because they are never short. While I love the people that surround me, I have a hard time watching them having a good time while I sit here and do my work. And I do not know what to do. By the time that I finish my work, the jealously has percolated through my veins and I feel that I should avoid them so that I do not ruin their good time with my sulking. The times where they have dragged me over to hang out, I still feel like I bring them down.
If anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears.
Most of us have been there, too. We’ve gone through periods where lack of time or money or even health has forced us to miss out on things that we wanted to do.
This is part of the problem with having a social circle with a significant age difference. People at different life stages have different levels of responsibility, which can add a little extra friction to interactions. I’ve usually been a either a little younger or a little older than most of my friends, so it’s something I’m sensitive to.
It’s like I said to you guys at the pub in Seattle. Part of the reason I haven’t moved up there is because I don’t want to be too distracted. There are things I want to devote myself to, new skills I want to learn, projects I want to complete and I’m afraid that if I lived too close to you guys I’d be tempted to go out to beer or coffee every night or come over and play video games all the time. It sounds fun but I want a lot more out of life.
That’s also a big part of the reason I’m dragging my heels with med school. I’ve spent so long under the burden of health problems or stressful jobs or relationships that now that I actually a useful amount of free time and energy I’m not really sure that I want to pour it back into one big onerous responsibility again. In the last few months I’ve been working out, taking music lessons, and meeting people. Within the next six months I want to start taking a martial art, learn (finally) to ride a damn bike, and get back into writing (and not just long-ass comments on blogs). I couldn’t do all these things if I was in school, so I’m pretty conflicted about it.
For what it’s worth, though, your stress is almost over. Tough it through and get that thesis done and once it’s over you’ll have so much time on your hands; you’ll find a job and come home from work one day and sit down and realize, “Wow. I don’t have any homework to do. I can sit and watch a movie and do absolutely nothing and not feel guilty about it!”
By: Morgan on May 5, 2008
at 12:56 pm
Hang in there!
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Rock Band, Bars, and friends will always be there!
(I’d also wager that at least one or two of your non-student friends is jealous of your lifestyle too!)
By: jmv on May 22, 2008
at 12:48 pm
Thanks for the words of encouragement! I appreciate it…I am SOOOOOO looking forward to being done
By: brittastic on May 22, 2008
at 2:29 pm